Here are some useful phrases. You may not get to use these ones, but you’ll do well to understand them. Knowing them may mean the difference between surviving your day in court, or dieing there.
Take a certain course: to plead
guilty. This is polite shorthand for ‘We’re not there yet Your Honor, but I’ve
been negotiating with the prosecutor and strong-arming my client and given
sufficient time I think the little shit will agree to plead guilty to something
or other and that will save a trial which would be a time consuming disaster
for all concerned.’
I am instructed: This means something like
‘I know what I am about to say will be difficult for Your Honor to believe and
defies logic, common sense and the rules of physics, but I’d urge Your Honor to
understand that my client is difficult and stupid and despite my urgings he
maintains these ludicrous instructions.’
Do you have any authority for what you say?: A judge will sometimes ask this. It often means ‘I don’t believe you
but if you can give me a case that supports you I suppose I may have to accept
what you say.’
I do have authorities Your Honour: At best
this is information offered to a judge, at worst, it is a polite threat. For
example, ‘Your Honour, if you don’t accept what I’m saying and do precisely what
I ask, we will go to the Court of Appeal, we will win there and your decision
will be criticised. When the judgement comes down it will be peppered with
comments like, “the learned judge was offered, but failed to accept counsel’s
assistance”’.
Well, what are you asking me to do?: A
frustrated judge may utter this. It means ‘This is a particularly difficult
area of law and I’d be buggered if I know what to do, but if you give me more direction
and I do what you ask and then it turns out to be wrong, well, at least I’ll
have someone to blame.’
Did you dress hurriedly this morning Mr Soandso?: This might mean, ‘My goodness. You don’t appear to be wearing pants’
or, ‘Your private member is hanging out of your robes again.’
I can’t see you: This is a particularly
embarrassing utterance in modern courts. It usually comes from a judge nearing
retirement. ‘You are not wearing a wig, as am I, and I’m going to pretend I
can’t see you until you are dressed appropriately’; or, ‘You are merely a
solicitor and have no right to appear before me so I am going to pretend I
can’t see you until you become a barrister.’
There are many other useful phrases, but that might
do for the moment. Enjoy.
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