How the Internet Killed Experience. Or, How I Learned Never to Iron in the Nude.

Today there are websites and posts for everything. 'How to' sites that make the mind boggle: Banana juggling for beginners, how to yodel, fart music. There are sites that answer questions to settle the most bizarre bets, like are whales fish? and did man really visit the moon? There are cautionary posts too, like safe chainsaw use and the dangers of the mile high club.

I think the world is a poorer place for all this screen learning. What happened to experience?

Lawyer: 'Representing fraudsters  is like juggling bananas.
You never know where the bent bastards will end up.'

Before the Internet it was possible to make mistakes. It was easy to make them. And the great thing about mistakes is that you learn from them; there's nothing like a little embarrassment and pain to get the message. All mistakes, short of one that kills you, blinds you or takes a limb, can teach you something.

And the more mistakes you make the more you learn. I've made so many over the years that now I'm extremely wise. Those mistakes have made me the man I am today, physically scarred and psychologically damaged certainly, but a better man nonetheless.

A lot of my learning was done in childhood. At ten I learned that heating a tin of condensed milk makes caramel. You heat the tin in a saucepan of boiling water, but if you let the saucepan boil dry the tin explodes. Today the drift of freckly molten milk scars across my chest reminds me of that lesson.

Note to self: never let the fucking water boil dry.

Kids today could learn this on the Internet I suppose, but that's not the same. Pain and scarring makes the lesson stick. (Note to self: never let the fucking water boil dry.)

At twelve I learned that if the chain comes off your ungeared bike you have no brakes. The lesson's reminder is a circular handle bar scar in the groin.

I've learned that squeezing Bird's eye chilies then rubbing your face causes temporary blindness. No scar necessary to remember this one, the pain was enough.

Really, the lessons of my youth were endless. Testicles are tender. Petrol fumes explode. Ceiling fans are lower than you think.

In adulthood the lessons continued. Unprotected sex causes pregnancy. Powdered spakfilla may look like washing powder but is not.  After shaving your genitals, never attempt to vacuum the hair, no matter how tempting the thought. Streaking, even late at night, is likely to attract unwanted interest from the authorities.

And you should never think that the learning is done. There is always something else. Always a wonderful new lesson to be learned. It wasn't until my thirties that I learned one of the most valuable domestic lessons of all.

Never iron in the nude. Especially don't do it listening to music after a couple of beers. My scar is small enough but the lesson looms large whenever a late night bout of ironing is required.

Young people today miss out on all of this. It's a wonder they know anything at all. They can Google things of course, but it's not the same.