Monday, 20 June 2016

The Most Dangerous Room in the House. Masterchef Mishap: witness statements can be funny things.

After every crime come witness statements. There may not be a right way to draft them but there are plenty of wrong ways. For example:

'Max William Leigh states: I am a twenty-six year old male and reside at an address known to police. I am a chef. I know the accused, Lisa Rawlins. She is a caterer at the mines. We met a year ago and became friends. This changed in January when we had a brief relationship. I would call it a fling.

I remember Anzac Day night. I texted Lisa and told her our relationship was over and that she could collect her possessions from my flat. She seemed to take the news OK. She said that she didn't want her things back, except her George Foreman Grill and steak knives that had been thrown in with the purchase. She had actually given the grill and knives to me as a present but I did not want to argue with her. She also told me to keep her toothbrush and any underwear and feminine products left at my place. I did not really want to keep the underwear or other items. I did want the grill and knifes but to ‘keep the peace’ I told her to come and get them.
At about 7.00AM next day I heard knocking at my door. When I opened it Lisa was standing there. She looked like she had been crying but she also looked mad. Her eyes were red, her head was all over the place and she was shaking. She actually didn’t look too good. Maybe drugs were involved. I indicated her possessions by pointed at them.
Before I could say anything she grabbed the George Foreman Grill and without any warning struck me on the forehead with it. I stumbled back from the force but wasn’t knocked out. I was surprised and a little scared. Before I got my balance back she tried to hit me again. I decided to get something to defend myself. I moved to the kitchen bench and grabbed hold of my Oster blender for protection. (I had only just finished making a banana, almond and honey smoothie.) She smashed the glass container from my hands with the grill. I dropped the handle and almost slipped over in the smoothie mess.
She came at me again with the grill and I only just managed to duck another blow. My Breville BEW600XL Hot Wok is kept at the far end of the bench and I rushed towards it. I tried to use it as a shield. I fended off several blows from the grill but eventually she struck my fingers causing me great pain and making me drop the wok. I looked around for something else to protect myself but there was nothing in reach. (My DeLonghi toaster was nearby but it was still hot as toast had only just popped up.) Then I saw the Breville kettle and I lunged for it but she hit me on the head with the grill and I must have been knocked out.
The next thing I remember I am on the floor surrounded by electrical appliances and blood. Lisa was walking towards the front door but I was worried she might return to finish me off. I decided to push her out and lock the door.
I got to my feet but was groggy. Before I reached her she turned suddenly and stuck me on the face. I felt a sharp pain under my left eye. Then she seemed to calm down. She stared at me and told me I was an ‘ugly fucker’. Then she left.
I felt really unwell and tasted blood. I thought this was from the George Foreman Grill attack. I went into the bathroom to clean up and that’s when I saw the paring knife stuck in my cheek. Next thing the ambos where there and the police came.
If I had to describe this attack to a jury I would say it was ‘frenzied’. I did not give Lisa permission or authority to attack me. When I told her our fling was over I did it as gently as I could. I did not mean to provoke her.

Dated and signed this ….'

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