Cleaver Greene Without the Rake

I once appeared in court naked, crouched inside a glass sphere hanging from a crane. Below were a cantankerous judge, bemused jurors and a packed gallery. Worst of all, I’d forgotten my wig and was completed unprepared for trial.

It was a nightmare of the kind I had experienced early in my career, when for a short time antidepressants and sleeping tablets were good friends. After twenty years at the bar I’d hoped such fears were behind me.

I’ve spoken to colleagues about this. Some stare at me through puffy bloodshot eyes and declare with beery breath that they have never had a problem. Others, with polished cheeks, perfect hair and collar choking them sware to unshakable confidence.

Then come the colleagues I trust. They admit to it. The realisation you can never know enough. The weight of a person’s future on your mind. Sometimes fear that you are a legal fraud, not worthy of wig and gown; Cleaver Greene without the wit.

I asked a psychiatrist friend about my glass ball. We were in the quiet corner of a warm pub, good beer and wine in front of us.

‘Better than the couch,’ I said.

‘We don’t use couches any more.’

She listened to my half-forgotten dream and pressed me for detail. It wasn't a bad cross-examination - for a doctor. Size of the ball? Height off the ground? Judge's name? Client’s crime? Had I washed?

A few shouts later she diagnosed something unpronounceable and said. ‘Not to worry Jack. You’re awake now.’

I took a sip of malt and hops. Thought, maybe that’s the problem doc.

Cleaver Greene is the flawed but funny fictional criminal barrister depicted in the Australian TV series Rake. Check it out here www.abc.net.au/tv/programs/rake/