Post Truth Trash: the best body balm in the world and other lies.

Every body needs a little care. Even the aging, much abused but still serviceable body of a grafting criminal barrister. I may be growing cranky and cynical with age but I am not totally without optimism. Even I want and hope to have aches soothed, pains reduced and broken bits fixed. So it was with some excitement that I viewed the array of promising personal items in my hotel room during my latest work trip.

Black tubes, longer than most, was an encouraging sign.

Stylish black tubes, longer than most, was an encouraging first sign. According to the blurb printed in white along their length, this collection of body products was officially amazing. Today I tried them all. This morning after my first jolt of coffee, instead of reading and re-reading briefs, I used those hopefully remarkable fluids and lotions. They promised to make me feel good and absolutely unstoppable in court and elsewhere. Today I would shine, which is good, because lately I’ve emitted nothing but a dull glow. The Urban Skincare Co’s range of body products would change that. How did it go? Read on.

I striped and washed, my preferred order of things, using Tonic hand and body cleanser enriched with vitamin c. The tube tells me that the ‘Urban Skincare Co understands the stresses and demands placed on your body from city living’. Thank fuck someone understands at last: all that sitting on your arse, consuming lattes and smashed avocado takes it’s toll.

Years of arse-sitting and avocado take it's toll.

Finally Urban hand and body cleanser is here to help because it is ‘gentle yet effective. Formulated with Oligogeline to energise and cleanse without stripping the delicate protective barrier, minimizing skin dryness.’ And if that’s not enough it’s ‘Enriched with powerful Vitamin C to help boost skin’s immunity’. OK, so it sounds like bullshit, but I’ll try anything several dozen times just to make sure. And what is Oligogeline? A queue of tradesmen staring at breasts?

Then I used the rather incredible Resurrect hair wash which I noted contained ‘ginger root enrichment’. The tube promised that it ‘promotes healthy hair and scalp. Developed with Oligogeline to revitalise tired hair, restoring shine and lustre. Enriched with stimulating ginger to give hair a boost from root to tip. Gentle enough for daily use’. Fuck me. That’s rich, and Oligogeline is clearly versatile: good for skin and hair and I’m looking forward to the stimulating ginger boost. (Note to self: if it works on my hair, try it in my jocks later.)

But there’s more. Recovery conditioner. This product ‘delivers optimal hair hydration. Powered by Oligogeline to revitalise hair and scalp, locking in moisture’. And in case the shampoo somehow failed to revitalise and stimulate there is a further dose of ginger root to boost hair from root to tip.

A stressed and tired foot about to be revitalised.

Then, scrubbed rubbed and burnished, I bounced from the shower feeling boosted and revitalised, ready to deploy the last wonderful product: Infuse body balm. This stuff is ‘deeply moisturising and readily absorbed and fortified with Oligogeline (no surprises there) to effectively hydrate and remineralise skin without leaving a greasy residue. And it’s enriched with Vitamin C to boost skin’s immunity’, just in case the body cleanser wasn’t enough.

Anyway, I left my digs resurrected, revitalised, boosted and simulated. My skin glowed magically, perfectly hydrated and without the slightest hint of scurvy. My hair, shiny and lustrous, fairly glowed in the morning sun as I strode to court. I felt the demands and stresses of city living fall away; years of arse-sitting, litres of lattes, acres of avocado falling away.

Inside, facing judge and jury, my arguments were enriched and stimulating, superior to my opponents and I was immune from judicial barbs; later that day, a closing address fit for the gods.

And the result? Did I win? Was I instantly appointed QC? Made a judge, the Chief Justice, President of the world?

Well, turns out my opponent was staying in the same hotel, using the same products and had a better case than me. She won. Which just goes to show, don’t believe everything you see on the tube.

The products aren't perfect, but they're almost certainly better than dirt.