Judicial Cage Fight: 'order me a fuckin' pizza while you're at it.'

Some of those accused of crimes are ballsy little bastards while others are just plain stupid. They stand in the dock as sentence is passed down and instead of shutting up and getting on with their punishment they insist on having a say.

'You can stick your trial up your arse.'

Sometimes it’s a short and defiant ‘But I didn’t fuckin’ do it’ or a teary ‘I’m sorry, I really am sorry.’ Such trifles pass with not much more than a nod of the judge’s head, or a sharp ‘shut up’. Other ejaculations are met with a much more practical response. The result, a would-be bullying prisoner slapped down and silenced.

I recall one man being sentenced by an experienced, world-weary, stern-faced old beak.

‘Eighteen months imprisonment,’ said the judge.

A snort from the dock and a mumbled, ‘I’ll do that standing on me fuckin’ head.’

A scratching of the judicial pen and ‘Twenty months,’ from the beak.

Another snort, ‘on me fuckin’ head, Your Honour.’

Silence, then ‘Two years imprisonment, no parole.’

Nothing but a shrug of the shoulders from the dock this time. You can’t bully a judge, not without consequences anyway.

More serious disruption to the judicial process, like incessant screaming and flashing bare buttocks at the judge, as once happened in Queensland, is met with exclusion from the court room and contempt proceedings.

            Now, as promised, the best and funniest instance of courtroom backchat ever recorded anywhere in the world. It’s a production brought to you by the Queensland judicial system and features Supreme Court Justice JD and the inimitable Mr B with cameo appearances by the bailiff, sacked lawyers and security staff.

           

In some American states Mr B would have been shot.

It starts when a belligerent Mr B sacks his lawyers expecting this will stop his trial proceeding. But that’s not how it turned out. JD was on to Mr B’s little rouse:

JD: ‘You’ll be representing yourself for this trial.’

Mr B: ‘No way in the world.’

JD: ‘Yes, way in the world Mr B.’

Mr B: ‘I’ll get a new solicitor and barrister.’

JD: ‘No, you tried that last time, Mr B.’

            And so it begins. Mr B removes his gloves and disconnects his brain. What follows is as close to judicial cage fighting as it is possible to get.

Mr B disagrees with His Honour’s ruling that the trial will proceed.

Mr B: ‘Look – now listen here, mate, you don’t know what you’re fucking talking about … Don’t come blooming start your shit, right mate …. Fuck you and your trial, mate. Stick your trial up your fucking arse … fuck you. Don’t tell me what to do, who do you think you are?’

JB explains that Mr B will not be allowed to cross-examine a protected witness. Mr B replies: ‘I don’t even know what you’re talking about, mate. You’re talking but not in the lingo language …. Stop talking in riddles … I don’t know what you’re talking about, mate.’

Finally, Mr B understands:

Mr B: ‘So what do you want me to fucking do? … You can stick your fucking trial up your arse.’

JB: ‘That won’t be happening to me Mr B.’

At times Mr B was quick as a whippet. When JB makes an order that a barrister cross-examine the protected witness Mr B responds, ‘Order me a fuckin’ pizza  while you’re at it.’

Inevitably, JB’s patience is tried and when Mr B stands threateningly, JB summons security staff. Mr B is unimpressed by the show of force.

Mr B: ‘What do you want, a Micky Mouse badge?’

JB: ‘No.’

Mr B: ‘Stick it on your fat chest. Hey? What do you want?  Micky Mouse badge. Come on fatso, what have you got to say for that?’

'Who do you think you are? Oh, the Judge. Fuck!'

            And so it goes, ten pages of pure gold that ends with the trial adjourned for a day, Mr B in custody and JB’s final humbling observations, ‘I was actually called much worse things on the rugby paddock you know.’

            I guess JB has gotten over things but I wonder what became of poor Mr B.
The full transcript can be found by internet searches such as ‘order me a fuckin pizza, court transcript'.