The Worst Job I Ever Had: lessons from the man without Latin.

He was crude, abusive and cruel; intelligent, creative and quick. All this clicking and sliding, burning and sparking within his tall and beautiful frame. He spoke just enough or incessantly and his timing was perfect. He smoked, was frequently drunk and died too early, one of the funniest men that ever lived.

            Unlike Dudley Moore his diminutive sidekick of many years, Peter Cook never courted Hollywood fame or fortune. Instead he revelled in the sheer pleasure of his pursuits: anarchic satire, exploring the absurd and making others laugh. He has breathed life into some weird and wonderful characters: Sir Arthur Streeb-Greebling, EL Wisty and Martin Trout for example. He was especially kind to the legal profession giving us the iconic and timeless ‘Biased Judge’s Summing Up’ and ‘I could have been a judge but I never had the Latin’.

             

Judicial Cage Fight: 'order me a fuckin' pizza while you're at it.'

Some of those accused of crimes are ballsy little bastards while others are just plain stupid. They stand in the dock as sentence is passed down and instead of shutting up and getting on with their punishment they insist on having a say.

'You can stick your trial up your arse.'

Sometimes it’s a short and defiant ‘But I didn’t fuckin’ do it’ or a teary ‘I’m sorry, I really am sorry.’ Such trifles pass with not much more than a nod of the judge’s head, or a sharp ‘shut up’. Other ejaculations are met with a much more practical response. The result, a would-be bullying prisoner slapped down and silenced.

Judicial Bullying: knotted knickers can be cruel.

Judicial bullying for fun and profit, by Judge Judy.

Though as old as law, it is only recently that judicial bullying has been recognised as a problem. It has sparked the interest of senior practitioners, leaders of the bar and judges; been the subject of scholarly exploration and articles offering advice to its victims. Then there is this: a personal and anxious account of how things once were and still are in some court rooms. It may be rare but it still exists and the results are both fearful and funny.