Beware the Crows: the curious case of the barrister and the beak.

Barristers must sometimes walk about in the open. You see, unlike dentists who magically appear by your side as you recline sporting protective glasses, like an astronaut awaiting launch, barristers must move about: between chambers and court, between court and lunch, back to chambers, off to the bar and sometimes home. Cars are used for the longer journeys. Usually something small and foreign, but given the state of the Australian car industry this is a necessity rather than a mark of status. While cars are safe enough when operated at moderate speed by a driver uneffected by alcohol or other substances, walking is an entirely different proposition. It is dangerous and becoming more so. Barristers just walking about are at risk.

         Walking about is hazardous. There is always the risk of being set upon by disgruntled clients or recently cross-examined witnesses. Beyond that there are seasonal risks. In summer you risk heatstroke under smothering wig and robes. In autumn you risk slipping upon fallen leaves made slimy by rain. Winter brings the peculiar hazard of attempting to walk after a long and pleasant fireside lunch of red wine and pie. Then there is spring.

         Australia’s spring is fraught with danger for anyone who desires to ambulate. Birds are the problem. Magpies, those evil-eyed black and whites choose spring as their time.

In spring these smart birds watch and wait and choose when and who to attack. And they are choosy. Someone familiar may walk through a territory with immunity, while someone else will be bombarded and beak-bashed. People are injured every year. Bruised and cut. Knocked from bike and feet. Upset and embarrassed. Sometimes, eyes are lost. The birds’ behaviour has changed fashion.

Now, every spring hats sport angry faces and firm wide brims; bike helmets sprout wires and spines such that riders appear to be getting about with echidnas strapped to their skulls.

         This year will be worst than last. Spring is coming earlier and staying longer. A longer breading season means more territory defended for more months. That’s not all. Now crows are getting in on the act. These larger, black-all-over birds are beginning to attach like magpies. Over recent years swoops have increased from just one a year to over one hundred across the country each year. Who knows where it will end. Will their swoops become full-blown attacks. If so, eyes and ears will surely be lost.

         What if other birds take on the behaviour. I don’t mean to catastophise, but barristers, and everyone else walking about could soon be facing some serious foes. The danger of enraged eagles and hawks is obvious and one can well imagine whole suburbs devoid of cats and small dogs and children. Swooping geese would concuss at the very least. A low, fast flying pelican could disembowel or run you through with his beak. A massive flight of pigeons, properly coordinated, perched about head and shoulders could smother you with feathers or shit you to death.

In north Queensland bush turkeys are already terrorising suburban chooks by breaking into their runs and raping them. Even little birds could be dangerous. Imagine the sweet sunbird, nesting in their tear drop shaped nest at your back door; now imagine one zooming at you and piercing your eyeball with that curved needle-like beak.

         I hope things don’t come to this. I hope that Australians can continue to walk about for many years to come without any more bird enemies than the odd psychotic magpie. I hope, but in the meantime I’ll be wearing my wig a little lower over my forehead, just in case. Either that, or sporting eyes at the back of my head.